You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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