We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Also, beer. Big fan.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
