I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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