I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
