So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We have started to decorate penises.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
