I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
as a side note pls kill me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
