im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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