9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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