I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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