I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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