So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
