there's paper in my vomit.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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