i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
