none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
