Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
