I bet he comes in French.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
