The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
