I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
