is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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