My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
