he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
