I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Randomize
