answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
