I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Someone came in the potted fern
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
