toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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