The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
