my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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