Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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