So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
