I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
