He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
