For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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