Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
