it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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