Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
