ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
