When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
We smell like vodka and hangover
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