my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
