Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think i have herpe
just one?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
