i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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