Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I wear drunk well.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
