So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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