new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
