just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
