my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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