Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
