and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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