you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
