Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There's always time for handjobs
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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