i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize