Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
