Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
