I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I want a musical about memes.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
