are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We are all done wearing pants today
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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