Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
