can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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